Let
Me Let Go
By Maquis
Leader
Author’s
note: In this world Endgame never happened. They ran away from the Borg infested nebula with no Admiral Janeway to stop them. All other episodes are part of my continuity even (gag!) Human Error. Let Me Let Go lyrics by Steve Diamond
and Dennis Morgan performed by Faith Hill and Vince Gill.
“We
thank you for your help, Captain, and hope that you enjoy your stay with us.”
“I’m
sure we will, Regent.” Captain Janeway bowed her head in the Tiktean manner of
respect. “You’ve been most generous in trading with us.”
“The
ability to stop the Borg is well worth the cost.” His vivid blue eyes sparkled.
“We have lived in fear of their presence too long. Your pathogen and the
Slymarian torpedoes may finally rid us of their evil.”
“That’s
a day I look forward to.”
“I
will alert my colleagues on Slymaria of your imminent arrival; they will be
most interested in acquiring your pathogen.” He signaled his aide to carry out
that order.
“The
transphasic torpedoes – the Slymarians will be willing to share that technology
with us?” Commander Chakotay asked.
“Oh
yes, most definitely.” The Regent nodded enthusiastically, causing his long
blond hair to sway around his shoulders. “Ridding ourselves of the Borg is
something our
Kathryn
and Chakotay glanced at each other. It sounded similar to the basis of the
Federation. Band together to protect everyone against a common foe.
“They
also have excellent spacedock facilities. The best in
the Alliance.” The Regent leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially.
“Although we are quickly gaining on them.”
“I
find it hard to believe theirs could possibly be better than yours, Regent.” In
the two days Voyager had been in the Tiktean spacedock,
repairs had been made with such speed and efficiency that even B'Elanna had
been impressed. They had even been able to acquire the supplies needed to
repair and replace their gel packs.
“Unfortunately,
Captain, the Slymarians are much better at replacing hull plating and of course
they will have to provide the torpedoes and their systems. We are still working
on those facilities. Another few months and we will be able to outfit ships
ourselves.”
“Thank
you again, Regent.” Kathryn rose from the table. “Please accept our invitation
to dinner tomorrow evening. Voyager will host a banquet in your honor before we
depart.”
“Certainly,
Captain.” He rose as well.
“We’ll
contact you in the morning with the details.” She bowed her head again.
The
Regent returned the bow, as did his aide. She was a striking woman with
brilliant green eyes and blond hair reaching to her hips. “Commander Chakotay.”
She placed a delicate hand on his arm.
“Yes,
Korianda?” He smiled at her.
“Are
you and the Captain mates? I thought perhaps –“
“Yes.
We are.” Kathryn laid her hand on his other arm.
“Ah,
I wasn’t sure. Forgive
I thought it
was over, baby
We said our
goodbyes
But I can’t go
a day without your face
Goin’ through
my mind
In fact, not a
single minute
Passes without
you in it
Your voice,
your touch, memories of your love
Are with me
all of the time
Chakotay
held his anger in check until they were outside the Regent’s office. Once
outside in the garden, he whirled on her. “Why did you do that?”
“We
agreed a long time ago that if aliens asked if we’re married, we would say
yes.” Kathryn seemed surprised by his anger.
“This
was different! She wasn’t asking as some alien ambassador – the negotiations
are over!”
“Remember
the trouble we had with – “
He
grabbed her shoulders. “She was interested in me!”
She’d
noticed the woman staring at Chakotay all through the negotiations but he
hadn’t returned her glances. “Oh, and you were interested in her?”
“Yes,
damn it! Is that so hard for you to believe?”
Yes! “Well then, go back and tell her I said it’s okay by me.” She said sarcastically as she jerked free
of his grasp.
“Thank
you for your permission, Kathryn.” His tone held an equal amount of sarcasm.
“But their culture has a taboo against extramarital affairs.”
“Something
you took the time to research, no doubt!” Kathryn’s own anger bubbled up.
“Yes,
I did as a matter of fact.” Chakotay ground his teeth in frustration. “You just
declared me off limits to the entire planet!”
“Forgive
me, Chakotay, I didn’t realize you were trolling for women.”
“You
wouldn’t, would you?”
“I’m
sorry, I forgot.” She shook her head. “Men have needs. Isn’t that the old
excuse?”
“Yes,
we do. A man has needs, Kathryn.” He started to walk away then stopped and came
back. He leaned down until their faces were inches apart and his black velvet
eyes flashed with anger. “Make up your mind, Kathryn.”
“I
don’t know what you’re talking about.” She took a step back.
“Don’t
you?” He laughed bitterly. “You don’t want me, but you don’t want anyone else
to have me.”
“You
– you’re – “
“Either
be with me – or let me go!” Turning,
he left her standing and gaping at his retreating back.
Let me let go,
baby
Let me let go
If this is for
the best, why are you still in my heart
Are you still
in my soul, let me let go
I talked to
you the other day
Looks like you
made your escape
You put us
behind, no matter how hard I try
I can’t do the
same
Watching
as he left, Kathryn called Voyager and beamed back to the ship. Sitting on the
sofa in her quarters, she sipped her coffee. Why had she told Korianda that
Chakotay was her husband? This wasn’t a case of an alien that might try to
force a relationship on one of them as part of trade negotiations. The woman
had smiled and been friendly to Chakotay during the talks but had kept a
professional distance. Once everything was settled she had clearly wanted to be
with Chakotay. As much as she hated to admit it, Kathryn was jealous.
It
wasn’t fair to keep him hanging on. How could she explain to him that the
promise he’d made on New Earth was something she treasured? Realistically, she
knew he wouldn’t wait forever, but hopefully Voyager would be home in a few
years. He had the occasional fling. He did have needs and she did know that. There had been Riley and
a few others – never anyone on Voyager. Thank God, she’d hate to think what she
might do to some hapless ensign who went out with him.
It
had been seven years since the Caretaker pulled them in to the Delta Quadrant,
and she desperately wanted to be with Chakotay. Maybe if they
were still facing seventy years of hard traveling, but they had made several
leaps forward until they were only thirty years away now. They could
stumble onto a wormhole or an alien technology that sent them home in a flash.
Tomorrow. Or the day after that. Or the day after that. Sighing, Kathryn took a
sip of her cold coffee. Or maybe never.
Let me let go,
baby
Let me let go
It just isn’t
right
I’ve been two
thousand miles
Down a dead
end road
Let me let go,
darlin’, won’t you
I just gotta
know, yeah
If this is for
the best, why are you still in my heart
Are you still
in my soul, let me let go
Chakotay
walked through the city, blind to the beauty of the people and sights around
him. More than one woman turned to look at him. The Tiktean were all fair and
blond, and the women found his darkness exotic and fascinating. Too bad Kathryn
had laid her claim on him. He had no desire to face their laws on adultery or
the punishment. Castration. No doubt the Tiktean men
were very faithful.
Stopping
at a small café, he sat at a table overlooking a playground. Children ran and
played. Chakotay smiled. No matter the planet, children were children.
Waving
away the waiter, he leaned his elbows on the table. Why couldn’t Kathryn make
up her mind? One moment she was having a candlelit dinner with him in her
quarters and snuggling up on the sofa with him, and the next she was pushing
the rule book in his face and slamming the door.
He
loved Kathryn beyond all reason; of that, he had no doubt. But did she love him
in return? He thought so. Most days. It was there sometimes, escaping the
closet she kept her feelings locked in.
His
promise to wait was a yoke around his neck. Alone on New Earth, it was
inevitable that they become lovers. He had been patient and content to let her
come to him in her own time. Then Voyager returned to end it before it
started. At the time he had thought
she’d give in after a year or maybe two at the most. The distance home was too
great. What he hadn’t counted on was her stubbornness.
It
wasn’t like he hadn’t tried. He had made sure to stay away from relationships
with women on the ship, and his shore leave affairs had been discreet.
Occasionally he’d turned to holograms, but only when he was so horny he’d hump
anything. He needed a connection with a woman, even if it was only a mutual
fleeting lust. Holograms could never provide that.
A
ball bounced onto the terrace at his feet. Leaning over, he caught it and
tossed it back to the fair skinned child that had been chasing after it.
Watching the child run back to his parents, Chakotay felt a twinge of longing.
He wanted a wife and children before he was too old to enjoy them. Kathryn
needed to let him in or let him go.
The lights of
this strange city are shinin’
But they don’t
hold no fascination for me
I try to find
the bright side, baby
But everywhere
I look, everywhere I turn, you’re all I see
Every corridor
ended with a blank wall. Turning and walking back the way he’d come, Chakotay
turned left this time at the intersection. After a few feet it ended in a blank
wall as well.
Sitting down, he
leaned against the wall. This vision was confusing. He’d opened his eyes to
find himself in a corridor of smooth blank walls and dead ends. There were no
doors or windows, no signs or decorations. Just empty gray walls. As visions
went, it was extremely frustrating. His spirit guide had failed to appear.
Either she felt he didn’t need her or she didn’t want to. Guides could be
capricious at times.
Hearing a sound,
Chakotay looked up to see a buzzard flying through the clear sky. Hadn’t there
been a ceiling there a moment ago? Standing up, he watched the bird circle
above him, finally coming in to land on the edge of the wall above him.
“Hello, brother.
Have you come to speak with me?” A buzzard wasn’t a good sign, but he didn’t
want to be rude.
The buzzard
turned his head, beady eyes glittering.
The scent of
death and decay assaulted his mind. Crying out, Chakotay turned and ran down
the corridor until he came to another dead end. His stomach heaved and
threatened to force its way up his throat. Hearing a rustling, he looked up to
see that more buzzards had joined the first one. They lined the tops of the
walls.
“Well, if I
can’t go forward… how about up?” Leaping up, he caught the edge of the wall.
The buzzards flapped and stepped aside. Hauling himself up, Chakotay perched on
the edge for a moment. A maze! As far as he could see were corridors branching
into each other. He had been inside a huge maze. One with no way out.
Looking down, he
saw green grass and flowers. Dropping down onto the grass, he started walking
along the path. His spirit guide trotted up and leapt up to lick his face.
The vision faded, leaving
Chakotay sitting on the floor in his quarters. Leaning back against the sofa,
he pondered what he’d seen. Obviously, he was trapped with nowhere to go. Only
by climbing out of the box he’d put himself into would he find peace.
Gathering up his medicine
bundle, he put it away. His path was clear to him now. Kathryn was someone to
be put firmly into the category of friend from now on. Their lunches and
dinners would have to be cut back to only business and as seldom as possible.
No more joint shore leaves or holodeck time together. Not alone. Not anymore.
Sighing, Chakotay lay down
and tried to sleep. His mind was made up but his heart still ached. He would
seek out someone to share his life with. Even if it broke his heart.
Let me let go,
baby
Let me let go
It just isn’t
right
I’ve been two
thousand miles
Down a dead end
road
“Commander?”
“Yes, Seven?”
“I – I had one other item to
discuss with you.”
Chakotay leaned back in his
chair wondering why Seven seemed so nervous around him lately. “Something that
wasn’t in your report?”
“Yes. I mean no.”
“Well, which is it?”
“Something that was not in
my report.” The tall blonde seemed as flustered as he’d ever seen her.
“Sorry. I guess that was one
of those ‘yes, we have no bananas’ questions.” He grinned at her confused look.
“Old Earth expression.”
“I think I understand. A
question that requires a positive answer to be a negative.” She cocked her
head. “Interesting.”
“What was it you wanted,
Seven?”
“I was going to the mess
hall for lunch and thought perhaps you would like to accompany me.”
Was she asking him on a
date?
“In the mess hall of course.
In the company of others.” She rushed the words out.
Chakotay started to decline
and then stopped himself. She had such a hopeful expression on her face, and he
had decided to move on. “It’s a
date.”
Seven smiled. “Yes. A date.”
Oh, let me let go, darlin’, won’t you
I just gotta know
If this is for the best, why are you still in my
heart
Yeah, you’re still in my soul, let me let go
Let me let go, let me let go
Chapter 2: You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This