One Time Tony Was In A Video With His Clothes Off
By Maquis Leader
Rated R for language
Author’s note: Pre Iron Man. One of those times Jarvis referred to in Iron Man 2 when Tony was in a video with his clothes off
“I’m not doing this, I’m not, it’s…” Tony shook his head. “It’s not happening.”
“You have to, man, you lost the bet.” Rhodey shrugged. “Done deal.”
“I’m pretty sure you cheated.”
“Why is it, when I win, I cheated?”
“Because I’m the mathematical genius and I should be able to figure out the patterns. And then kick your ass.” Tony shrugged. In his world, that’s how things worked.
“Sure, and the fact that I’m a freaking jet pilot with razor sharp reflexes and response time doesn’t factor in at all, does it?” He rolled his eyes. “You’re just a sore loser, Tony. Always have been, always will be.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it. When Team Stark hit their safety goal for the year last year, I took my tasering like a man.” He’d cracked two molars, but he hadn’t pissed his pants and he was proud of that fact.
“I’m talking about competition. Poker, racing, women – you’re a lousy sport.”
“Okay, whatever.” Pulling his shirt off, Tony tossed it at Rhodey. “You cheated, but I’m holding up my end of the bet.” Setting his cell phone and wallet on the bathroom counter, he jerked his pants down and threw them at Rhodey as well.
“I didn’t cheat, man, and quit throwing your clothes at me.”
He frowned as his friend kicked the discarded shirt and pants aside. “Hey, those are Armani! Pepper will have my ass if they’re ruined.”
“Should have thought of that before you said you’d strip off in the bathroom.”
“The bet was that the loser – which is really you in this case – “
“The loser, and that is you, my friend – “
“– would walk from the bathroom farthest from the door across the casino to the main entrance.” The silk boxers sailed onto the counter. “And nobody calls Tony Stark a welcher.”
“I didn’t call you a welcher, but if the shoe fits – “ The other man ducked as a shoe came flying his way.
“And – “ Tony hopped around on one foot trying to pull his other shoe off. “You never beat me when it comes to women.”
“You’re forgetting that brunette in New York last month, she didn’t know you existed.” He grinned. “She was all about the brother.”
“Wasn’t she a hooker?”
“No, that was the blonde you hooked up with.” He laughed as his friend flipped him off and held his hands up. “Whoa, buddy, don’t be doing that while you’re naked. People will get the wrong idea.”
“Nobody’s in here but you and me, buddy.”
“Yeah… that’s a little scary now that I think about it.” No one else had come into the men’s room since they’d entered, and he really didn’t want anyone to walk in and see him in here with a naked man. “Hurry up.”
“I’m keeping my socks.” Tony announced. The marble floor was cold enough through his socks, he didn’t want to do this barefooted.
“No, no, the bet was naked.” Rhodey shook his head. “Naked as in not a damn thing on.”
“Oh, come on. Come on. Socks? My feet are cold.”
“Is that your excuse?” Snickering, he shot Tony a sideways glance.
“Hey! Let’s leave my joystick out of this – it’s a little nervous. Doesn’t normally do public appearances. And I’m keeping the socks.”
“Joystick?” Guffaws echoed off the tile walls. “Oh my god... I can’t breathe…”
“Like you don’t have a nickname for your dick? Please, I’ve heard it, remember?” He picked up his cell phone and wallet, wondering where he was going to carry them without pockets.
“Yeah, but mine is accurate.”
“Whatever, love machine, out of my way.” Taking a deep breath, Tony opened the door to the bathroom and strolled out into the casino.
A Las Vegas casino is a very busy, noisy place with people focusing on slot machines, craps, blackjack, and other games designed to separate them from their money while giving the illusion that they can win it all back if they just play one more time. Tony made it a third of the way to the main entrance by his estimate before anyone actually noticed there was a naked man walking past them. And if the waitress hadn't shrieked and dropped her tray of drinks, he might have gotten even farther.
The old woman who noticed gave him a wink and a pat on his backside as he went past. He smiled and winked. “Dirty old lady.”
Rhodey trailed along, holding his phone up to capture the whole thing for posterity. He wasn’t the only one, he saw other phones come up to point at Tony and a few tourists were lucky enough to have their cameras with them. He laughed, this was too much fun. A bet won, Tony embarrassed – or at least in an embarrassing situation because the man was never embarrassed – and he wouldn’t have to listen to Pepper’s lecture because he was due back at the base tomorrow.
Security began to trail Tony at the half way mark, closing up around him in an effort to block their patron’s line of sight to the naked billionaire. Nothing to see here, go back to your gambling.
At the door, the manager met Tony, his gaze never dropping below eye level. “Mr. Stark, while the MGM Grand is aware of how generous you were in our establishment tonight…”
“Don’t let the door hit me in the ass on the way out, right?” Tony cocked an eyebrow at him.
"Of course." He had an urge to press his bare ass up against the glass doors, but resisted. It wasn't Mr. McSnooty's fault he was -- pun intended -- stark naked.
Outside, Happy waited with the limo. He kept his eyes firmly on his boss’. “Where to, boss?”
“Ah… I think the Hilton. I’m in a mood for the Trek rides.” He grimaced as his bare ass stuck to the leather seats.
Rhodey eyed the back seat for a moment before getting into the front. “Don’t ask, don’t tell doesn’t cover this.”
“Coward.” He leaned down and opened the wet bar, pulling out a bottle of scotch and glass.
“I just don’t want to be the back half of Toadey.”
They both laughed at how the press would smash their names together to make them a celeb couple. It took Tony a minute to realize the limo hadn’t moved. “Happy, let’s get a move on, what the hell?”
“I was just… wondering… about clothes.” His driver said. “Unless you want to get barred from the Hilton, too.”
“Rhodey has my clothes, hey, Rhodey, toss them back here so I can get dressed.” Tony held his hands out expectantly.
“Man, I didn’t get your clothes. That wasn’t part of the bet.” Rhodey leaned an elbow on the divider and risked a look into the back seat. The look on Tony’s face was more than worth the risk. He burst out laughing. “I figured you had clothes in the car!”
“You didn’t get my – Jesus! You left my clothes in the bathroom? I loved those shoes!”
“Whatever, you’ve got like a thousand pairs of shoes – you go through shoes like you do women, you won’t remember them tomorrow.”
“A friend would have brought my clothes, you jerkoff!”
“Hey, I’m not your maid, Tony. You should have stipulated that in the bet.”
“Again, don’t say stuff like that while you’re naked, man. You’re weirding me out.”
The divider slid up, cutting off whatever Tony had been going to say next.
Shaking his head, Happy guided the limo out of the driveway and onto the Strip. Stop one: a clothing store. Stop two: the Hilton. Stop three: somewhere he could buy some Rolaids.
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