Settling Down

By Maquis Leader

 

Rating NC17

 

 

 

 

He’s with her.

Oh, he called to tell me he was working late.

But he’s with her.

I will leave.

I will pack and I will leave.

I will!

I – I will…

 

We married 6 years ago.

6 years, 4 months, and 12 days ago.

No.

6 years, 4 months, and 12 days ago I settled.

The word was strange to me.

“You’re settling” the Doctor said “he doesn’t love you”.

“He’s settling.” B'Elanna said “he loves her”.

The word was strange to me then.

Now it’s a friend.

A hated friend.

A friendly enemy.

 

After we arrived in the Alpha Quadrant he went to her.

He went and reminded her she still had his promise.

She told him to wait.

Her career was more important to her.

He handed me the broken pieces of his heart.

Or so I thought.

 

I learned a new word along with my wedding vows.

Settled.

6 years, 4 months, and 12 days ago, he settled.

 

At that time, 6 years, 4 months, and 12 days ago, emotions were still new to me.

New enough that I believed his affection was real.

Wait…

His affection is real.

His love is not.

I discovered there was a difference.

As I discovered contentment is not happiness.

 

He was affectionate and kind.

Gentle and passionate.

Even in my innocence I knew he was a wonderful lover.

And so we settled.

Again the word dominated our lives.

Into a comfortable house outside San Francisco.

House not home.

He returned to teaching.

He returned to the Academy with honor.

I was proud.

I was stupid.

 

He wanted to be close to her.

Not that he was.

Oh no, the dashing new Admiral was always…

Dashing here and there

Rare was the day she was on Earth.

But those days…

He would work late.

 

Oh at first, I suspected nothing.

He often worked late.

Then I found the letters.

The letters.

Real paper.

Real ink.

Real perfume on rose pink paper.

And the words, they were real, as well.

 

Hot steamy sex love words.

To my husband.

I miss you.

I love you.

I want you.

I need to…

Touch you.

Kiss you.

Fuck you.

 

He was angry when I confronted him.

He was angry.

To him it was nothing.

Nothing that another woman was writing her fantasies of him…

 Being in her bed.

Between her thighs.

Cumming in her womb.

A womb I do not have

 

To him, it was an invasion of his privacy.

The box was left unlocked.

Is it a crime to be curious?

No, the crime is to settle.

He apologized and said it wouldn’t happen again.

I believed him.

I needed to believe him.

I unpacked my bags while he was gone the next day.

 

Much later I noticed the box was gone.

Much later I wondered if his letters to her were filled with the same fantasies.

Hot steamy sex love words.

To her.

I miss you.

I love you.

I want you.

I need to…

Touch you.

Kiss you.

Fuck you.

After all, he did not say they would stop writing.

Only that “it will never happen again”.

 

 

Are the letters in his office?

The box hidden so I don’t see it?

I rarely visit his office.

The ensign stares at me.

I went one day without warning and the ensign refused to let me in.

His door opened.

And she came out.

She was there.

The ensign smiled at her.

 

Her hair and uniform were perfect as always.

But I saw.

Her face was flushed.

Her eyes glazed and heavy.

Her lips swollen.

Her smile serene.

And I knew.

Her smiles says “he’s mine”.

 

Her smile paints me the picture.

His bronze body above hers.

Thick cock filling her wet welcoming pussy.

Her white thighs wrapped around him.

Kissing.

Fucking.

Loving.

Cumming.

 

He appeared behind her.

His collar didn’t hide the bite mark she left.

“we were talking”.

I nod.

I swallow the lie.

Did she swallow his seed as easily?

Her smile says “he’s mine”.

I will leave.

 

From there I found the pieces and put them together.

His teacher’s conference on Vulcan.

Her visit to the Vulcan embassy.

His summer dig on Terrbi 2.

Her presence at warp testing at space station K21.

Orbiting Terrbi 2.

 

His long lunches.

Her visits to Earth.

Missed dinners.

Her visits to Earth.

Late nights he slept at his office.

Her visits to Earth.

 

I packed again.

I would leave.

 

I tried to trap him.

A child.

He wanted a child.

I have no womb.

A womb is irrelevant to the Borg.

A child, an orphan needed a home.

A child of his people orphaned in the Dominion war.

A child with raven hair and sunflower brown eyes.

Her name is Mai.

Mai means Coyote in his language.

 

He spent more time at home.

I had won.

I unpacked.

Our child.

Not hers.

Never hers.

 

Shy and silent Mai was.

Traumatized by what she’d seen.

Screaming in the night.

Papa could quiet her.

I could not.

 

He patiently drew her out of her shell.

Told her stories until she smiled.

Stories of her namesake.

Coyote.

Coyote is the trickster.

Mischief maker.

 

Told her stories of Voyager.

Mai loves his stories.

Especially those about New Earth.

And Auntie.

Always she wants stories of Auntie.

Of Auntie and Papa.

Not me.

Never me.

 

I have not trapped him.

I have trapped myself.

I have lost again.

I will leave.

 

Auntie was at her graduation from middle school.

Mai’s friends wanted to meet her.

Not me.

Her.

I am her mother.

Not her.

Never her.

 

Afterwards she came to our home.

Mai showed Auntie her room

Showed Auntie her Voyager scrapbook.

Real paper he replicated for her.

Scrapbook full of images of Auntie.

Not her mother.

Auntie.

Auntie and Papa.

 

She looked around our home and smiled.

“It’s… lovely”.

I felt ashamed.

I don’t know why.

I watched from the kitchen while he sat with her.

They told Mai stories of Voyager.

Stories of New Earth.

They called her Monkey and laughed.

I don’t understand why they laughed.

He calls her monkey now.

They laugh.

And I don’t understand.

 

I packed again.

I would leave.

I would take Mai and go.

But… he won’t let her go.

I can go.

But he would fight for her.

Not me.

Never me.

I unpack as secretly as I packed.

 

We sleep in our bed.

Rarely does he touch me.

When I touch him, he says he is tired.

Pretends to sleep.

He makes love to me only if I wait until he is asleep.

Stealthily I fondle his flaccid cock.

Stroking and sucking quietly.

By the time he wakes,

He is hard and ready.

Unable to resist.

Resistance is futile.

He calls out her name.

I pretend I don’t hear.

He pretends I don’t hear.

 

She is returning to Earth to stay.

Fanfare.

Heralds.

Press clippings for Mai’s scrapbook.

A new position at Starfleet for the golden girl.

Two buildings over from his office.

An office he spends more and more time at.

How convenient.

 

Mai is in her last year of high school now.

He will leave me when she finishes.

 

6 years, 4 months, and 12 days ago we married.

6 years, 4 months, and 12 days ago he promised.

For richer or poorer.

In sickness and in health.

Till death do you part?

“I’ll settle until she’s free”

Were those words hidden in his vows?

 

In 4 months she will retire.

In 4 months Mai will enter the academy.

Auntie is her sponsor.

In 4 months he will leave me.

 

Auntie has a new home in Alameda.

Home not house.

Mai loves the gardens and has her own room.

Her own room.

His roses are planted in Auntie’s garden.

His sand paintings are on Auntie’s walls.

“How nice” I say.

I pack again.

I will leave.

 

Mai argues with me when I turn off the vid player.

She is watching Auntie.

Mai yells at me.

“I wish Auntie were my mother”.

“Papa loves Auntie”.

“Papa doesn’t love you”.

“Not you”.

“Never you”.

 

Mai runs to her room.

Her room with Auntie’s images on the walls.

Images of her.

And him.

There are no images of me.

Not me.

Never me.

 

I am her mother.

Not her.

Never her.

Mai says she is sorry.

Chocolate eyes full of tears.

I unpack.

I settle

Again.

 

My daughter has settled.

Settled for me.

My husband has settled.

Settled for me.

 

I see now the pieces of his heart were still in her hands.

He married me in anger.

Married me in haste.

Act in haste.

Repent in leisure.

When Mai enters the Academy he will leave me.

 

He’s with her.

Oh, he called to tell me he was working late.

But he’s with her.

If I went to her house…

Would is see them?

Are they naked?

The image will not go away.

 

I went to her house 2 nights ago.

Crept to her window.

Saw them.

Her body pale and white in the candlelight.

His dark and bronzed.

She was on her knees.

His fingers tangled in her auburn hair.

Hair she has let grow long once again.

Because he likes it long.

 

His head was thrown back.

Rapture

Ecstasy.

Thrusting into her mouth.

Grunting.

Moaning.

Fucking her mouth.

Golden thick cock sliding in and out frantically.

She sucked him eagerly.

White hands cupping his muscular buttocks.

Holding him close as he rams himself down her throat.

Ecstasy on his face.

Ecstasy I’ve never seen before.

Ever.

 

Her laugh.

I can hear her husky laugh as he dropped to his knees to kiss her.

Kiss.

Taste.

Lick.

Suck.

His seed from her mouth.

 

I cried.

He had never kissed me after I swallowed his seed.

After I endured the ramming down my throat.

Strong hands squeezing my skull.

Gagging on the acidic fluid.

 

I cried as he moved between her legs.

Pleasuring her with his mouth.

Making her scream.

Moan

Whimper.

Beg.

Her fingers tangled in his raven hair.

Pushing his face into her pussy.

 

I cried.

He had never used his mouth on me.

“I don’t care for it”.

He lied.

He doesn’t care for me.

He settled for me.

 

I cried.

Cried as he moved up to cover her body with his.

Her legs spread in welcome.

Her hand and his on his cock.

Guiding him into her wet pussy.

Together they joined their bodies.

I cried as they made love.

Slowly.

Tenderly.

Kissing.

Touching.

Pledging their love.

 

I cried

Cried as I recalled the last time he had laid on top of me and made love to me.

Cried when I could not remember.

When did he start fucking me from behind?

Am I her as long as he doesn’t see my face?

Cried as I remembered the last time he fucked me.

Quick.

Hard.

Animal grunts.

Her name cums from him.

Then showered as if he were dirty.

 

I cried.

Cried because I could not call their lovemaking fucking.

Could not make it dirty.

He lay with her.

Kissing.

Caressing.

He did not get up to shower.

 

My angry warrior.

Beloved.

Maquis Stud.

My Captain.

 

Their words drove me home.

I packed.

Mai asked me why I cried.

I lied.

“I am unwell”.

She made me tea and brought me crackers.

He came home late that night.

He smiled as he listened to Mai’s story of nursing me.

Dimples flashing.

Love for her shining in his black velvet eyes.

His hands were gentle as he felt my forehead.

His face concerned.

Affection in his eyes.

No love for me.

Not me.

Never me.

I unpacked after Mai left for school in the morning.

 

I understand now what the Doctor and B'Elanna meant.

They warned me 6 years, 4 months, and 12 days ago.

I settled for a man who did not love me.

Would never love me.

Loved another.

Would always love another.

 

The Doctor and B'Elanna did not understand.

I was willing to settle.

I love him.

Will always love him.

I will unpack in the morning.

The days left with him are few enough.

Soon he’ll leave me.

And I will settle once again.

For memories of his kindness.

His gentle touch.

His quiet voice.

His contentment.

 

I understand now that he settled for me.

Settled for contentment.

For physical release.

Waited for happiness.

For love.

Waited for her.

Would wait forever for her.

 

He’s with her.

Oh, he called to tell me he was working late.

But he’s with her.

Chakotay will always love Kathryn.

And I must settle for that.



 

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