Paranormal Safety Tips
1. When it appears that you have killed the
monster, NEVER check to see if it's really
dead.
2. Never read a book of demon
summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if
the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or
any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will
save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several
rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with
somebody else's voice.
5. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles
that open portals to Hell.
6. Never stand in, on, or above a grave,
tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
7. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short-circuits; just get out.
8. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
9. If you find a town, which looks deserted,
there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
10. Don't fool with recombinant DNA
technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
11. If your companions suddenly begin to
exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood,
glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
12. Stay away from certain geographical
locations, some of which are listed here: Sunnydale, Amityville,
13. If your car runs out of gas at night on
a lonely road, do not go to the nearby
deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you
ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself
instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
14. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For
example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives,
combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any
devices made from deceased companions.
15. If you find that your house is built
upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies
to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or
died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic
practices.
16. Dress appropriately. When investigating
a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee.
And carry a flashlight, not a candle.
17. Do not go looking for witches in the
18. If you're searching for something which
caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
Thanks to Maria for sending this to me!
Back to the main page.